Words are never enough

This was written on September 27th, 2008

It’s a biblical statement that the tongue is a small organ that can do great evil. It is understood that the passage refers to doing evil to others, yet reality has proven that it can hurt one’s self. That is what I’m experiencing right now, or so it seems. Although, I don’t have a complete grasp of the situation yet, the pain is present and that’s the one true and clear reality.

Sky scraper standards I have set to cover an insecure heart. A wall higher and wider than Jericho’s yet before you this wall has the same end. Rubble after Rubble with only a single building left standing. The part of me that holds on to faith, that holds on to hope, that holds on to you.

Redefining suffering while lowering those standards, and allowing myself to express some emotion. Why is this so important? Why do I not want to be a normal human being? Why do I not want to be a normal girl? What do I want the world to see? A girl dependent on you…yes, a girl willing to take on the pain, the suffering, a girl willing to risk it all for your sake, yet is that the true desire or do I want that to be what makes me attractive?

That’s where my GREATEST struggle yet appears…I want you. I don’t want to desire anything, anyone else. I want the surpassing joy of knowing you, my savior, my all, my creature, my true love. I want that to be my life. I want to be completely focused on heavenly things and not on things of this world. How to get there? Perhaps I want to be super human to be more like you, but how?

I have a attempted to accomplish this with my own strength for so long, and even though my mind knows that it’s not possible, I continue to try to please you. Can you please come and rescue me from myself. I feel like I am my greatest enemy right now. I want to die to myself. I want to say and truly mean what Paul said “It is not I who lives, but Christ who lives in me”

Can you make that happen?

Almost a year later on Sept 13 of 2009:

On the other hand, today I’m in deep admiration…

Every time I feel so down that all I do and want to do is complain, You lift me up by showing me how much you love me! Right now, You’re truly wrapping your arms around me and showing me that You’re with me. You’re listening to my deep frustration about myself and telling me that it’s okay. You’re listening to my anxiety about the future and tell me just to live today. You’re paying attention to everything going on with me because YOU CARE! Because it is of your concern because YOU ARE LOVE!

Today, I feel a strange and overwhelming sense of peace and safety! I really do feel you so near. My heart is so joyful, so excited, so IN LOVE.

If this is the only reason I’m supposed to be here in Ecuador than it is beyond enough. I think You took me far away from “home” to rake me HOME with you!

I have found peace. God’s gift of a quiet heart. I’ve found it!

God, today my hears is filled with a love for You that wasn’t there before. Slowly You’ve become my love, my reality. You are no longer my theory or rational belief. You’ve allured me with Your beauty and Your passionate love. Everything around me screams that You love me. How can I resist?

Lord, I am all your. . .body, mind, soul, spirit. . .with my many flaws and weaknesses.

I have truly found that You are all I need! My heart is at the verge of exploding with contentment and happiness because You love me and You are by my side.

Thank you! I don’t understand why you love me the way you do but I can’t escape Your love. So, I embrace it and will forever remain in deep admiration.

Sept 19^th, 2009

Today, I can confess that my heart is still filled with much insecurity, but with time comes maturity. Throughout this year, I have learned to allow God to love me! That has made a huge difference. For a long time, I questioned how it would be possible to change my way of thinking. I always wanted to please God. I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be self-sufficient and please God with my actions, with my strength. I was so mistaken. Pride filled my heart and mind which was obvious in my actions. My true and only desire was to look good before everyone. There was no room for weakness, for emotions, for acceptance of my true self. I lied to everyone and to myself about my spiritual condition so often that I began to believe my own lies. I was in desperate need of destruction. I asked for it, and God answered my prayer.

Slowly, my pride has been crumbling down. God tore me in such a way that I lost all sense of self. That was exactly what I needed. God didn’t just tear me down and leave me there. He began to restore me little by little. His work is not finished yet. He is still working! He will continue to work until the day I am with Him, but I have peace. This peace calms my insecurities; I am His and He will take care of everything, and that’s all I need to live. There’s still so much to learn, and so much to keep in mind. As a human, I am very forgetful, but thank be to God that He is there to remind me. I’m continuing to learn to love him, and that’s a beautiful journey.

It has been a great three months

This post is more of an announcement.

This past Tuesday made it three months since I've been volunteering with Extreme Response at Por Amor Foundation. God has done great things. It has been awesome to see Him at work. It wasn't always easy for me, but God has taught me so much and He has transformed me. I'm a different woman, now.

As many of you know, originally, my plans were not to come to Ecuador. I wanted to go to either Africa or China, but God didn't give me peace about it. The opportunity to come to Ecuador came and God made it clear that this is where He wanted me. When I came to Ecuador for the first time in October of last year, our mission team's eyes were opened to a hard reality. There is a great need for a ministry to reach out to children who work in the fields in the town of Paute. One afternoon, a few of the team members and a few locals sat down and talked about how awesome it would be to start a ministry that would help abandoned, orphan, and working street kids. It sounded pretty, but it was just that a dream.

Seven months after that conversation, I find myself making a trip to Ecuador in order to serve as a volunteer at a children's home. My idea for coming is to serve and at the same time to research. I wanted to see what it takes to run a children's home while helping out at the same time. I worked at Por Amor Foundation helping with the children at them home, helping the work teams that have come, taught a bible club, taught English at the local elementary and High School.

The month of July was coming to an end, when I felt that the Lord was leading me in another direction. For some reason, I felt that it was time to go to Paute. My original plan was to go to Paute Sept 5th and help the church there for a month, yet I started to feel that God wanted me there before. At first, I didn't understand, but God gave me peace about making that decision. I continued to pray and called the church in Paute. They asked me to come and help them for those two months. There, I will be working with the youth group especially with girls. The idea is to start a girls bible study and leave someone who would lead it after I go back to the States. I will also be helping with church activities, and evangelism. I am looking forward to what God has for me to do there.

The decision of leaving Manta and the orphanage was hard. I love the children and the people I work with, and I will miss them, but it is exciting to see God continue to change my plans. It's not about my plans anyway. It's about Him! I just have to be obedient.

I actually left the orphanage last Wednesday August 5th. Since then, I have spent time shadowing Pearl Jackson. She is the administrator of the Foundation. This past week, two new girls were admitted into the home. I had the opportunity to witness the admittion process and what it all takes. I have been to the children's police (kinda like DSS, I think) and to the judge and doctors who had to examine the girls, etc. It has been crazy, but very cool at the same time. I have been to countless meetings with people in the community to help the foundation, the hospital, and I even met with the Manta mayor. It takes so much to run a place like this. Please keep the Jackson family in your prayers.

I don't know what God has for me in the future as far as a ministry like this is concerned, but I know that I will continue to do research in Paute about what the needs are and what it would take to start a children's ministry there. Pray for God to continue to lead me and pray that I am willing to allow Him to lead. I want His will for my life not my own.

So, here I go. I leave for Paute tomorrow, Friday 14 of August. I am excited about it! Just pray that God will prepare the hearts of those I will be ministering to and continue to pray for me.

Thanks for all the support and prayer! I can see God answering!

Love,
Raquel

Mommy for 9 days!!! AHHHH!!!

As part of my schedule as a volunteer at Por Amor Foundation, every other weekend, I join a local mission team from a church in Manta. We go to a town really close to the the Foundation called San Lorenzo on Saturdays from 930am-4pm, and Sundays we go to the countryside to a place called El Mocoral. This mission team is working on cell groups and children's bible club to share the Gospel and start a church plant in those places. God has given me some great opportunities to share the Gospel to people there. I have mainly helped with giving bible stories and helping with the crafts for the kids, but the Lord has also allowed me share with the parents about Him. It's been really awesome!

I get back from a great weekend. I arrived on Monday morning and find that the house mom of the house where I stay is not home. I ask what's going on and they give me the sad news that Nehemias, Pepe and Karen (the house parents) son is in the hospital with pneumonia. He had to be admitted into the hospital and was there for one week. The baby and mom had to stay in Manta for a few extra days because they were afraid Nehemias was allergic to something in the house. So, it was Hillary (another volunteer who was here for a month), Karina (the girl that comes and helps with housekeeping), and I who were in charge of the children. Pepe would dropped by occasionally and come home to sleep but he also spent most of his time at the hospital with the baby.

Needless to say, my role in the house changed. I was no longer only the fun tia who would get the board games out and watch movies with them. I had to set my foot down and become the disciplinarian who would make sure things are getting done. You have probably heard your parents say to you, "this hurts me more than it hurts you" before they would spank you or put ground you, and most likely you thought just like I did, "Yeah, right!." Well, let me let you in a secret. My parents and your parents are RIGHT! I did not spank anyone, though I wanted to at times, but I did have to put kids in time out and take away privileges. It was hard for me. I love to be loved so having to be a disciplinarian was no fun. They looked at me different, and honestly, I didn't like it. Kids are interesting though. They respect authority, but at the same time, they will test their limits and try to get away with whatever they can get away with. For example:

There is an understood rule at the house about food: You are to eat everything you get served. Well, that didn't happen, and not only that, but they were also asking Karina and I (who were making the meals) to make their favorite foods. The first couple of days, we let them have their way, but soon realized that somehow the roles were switching and we were doing what they wanted not the other way around. Hmm, I've got so much to learn about parenthood.

Also, homework was not getting done completely and the chores, yeah right! So, I found myself in a very hard situation. I had to sit them down and have a talk. It was not pleasant at first, but they seem to understand and began to behave better. My relationship with my 7 children changed. I earned their respect and that felt good. We started to communicate better, too. I didn't have to yell as much and they begin to do better. I was pretty proud of myself until the day before mom came home. For some reason, it seems like all of them started to rebel at the same time. The girls were arguing over who would shower last. Usually, they fight over who will get in the shower first, but that day they argument was the opposite. I don't get it! Leiton was whining because I didn't let him use a big knife to peel an orange. Alex would not talk to me, and Justin was crying. So, I did what any other mother would do, get in a corner in the hallway and cry my eyes out. Nick and Hillary (the other volunteers) came to my rescue and pat me on the shoulder as I cried. I went back and talked to the girls first and then with the boys and all of them apologized to me. That was sweet! It was hard, but I guess I'm getting so parenthood training.

On a glorious Tuesday afternoon, mom and dad returned home! I was relieved and had never felt happier to see Pepe and Karen. It was cool to see the kids excited to see their parents back and the baby come home healthy. It was a great moment.

So, during that week, I experienced what being a mom is like. A single mom for that matter. It was HARD! but rewarding at the same time. A mother of 7 children ages 2, 4, 7, 8, 9, 10. One thing is for sure: Yes, I want to be a mother in the future, but I think 3 children would be my max. Maybe 4!

Raquel

Happy Birthday Alex?

I wake up on the beautiful Tuesday morning; it was an unusually sunny day at this time of year in Pacoche, Ecuador. It was a normal work day. A work team from Detroit, Michigan in working on building a wall on that week, so I was getting my boots on to go lay some bricks with the team while the kids were in school. I had read our monthly calender the day before, and it said that is was Alex birthday. I asked Alex's oldest sisters Yamileth and Brenda and they said it wasn't his birthday. Ok, maybe they have the wrong date in the calender. Then, I asked Susan, the missionary who oversees what volunteers do, and she confirmed that indeed it was his birthday. I come downstairs to have breakfast with the kids and scream a loud and overentuthiastic HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX! when everyone just looked at me and said "Tia, we told you already: It's no one's birthday" I didn't pay much attention to that and ate breakfast and saw the kids leave for school. Then my work as a construction worker began. It was an interesting day, especially because the Maestro or construction expert, knocked down one whole row I built because it was not done right. Oh well, I tried! lol. And I have earned a respect for construction workers. That is hard work.

After lunch, I am summoned to Paul and Susan's house to work on some preparations for the birthday party we would have for Alex later on. At this time, I was just confused! Is it Alex birthday or is it not? That was still a mistery, yet we made a banner for him and had cake and games ready for the celebration. At about 4pm, the celebration began. It was lots of fun! The kids and adults played musical squares (drawn on the ground with chalk) and other fun games. Alex and everyone had a great time. Then, it was time to have some cake, but before then, we sang about 5 different birthday songs including the traditional "happy birthday to you" both in Spanish and in English. And of course, you cannot forget the traditional Ecuadorian biting of the cake. It was great and Alex was a very happy kid.

It really was Alex's birthday; he just didn't know it. This was Alex's first birthday celebration ever and after that he finally learned when his birthday is. After talking about the birthday confusion with Susan, she explained to me that non of these children know their birthday and that prior to coming most of them had never celebrated a birthday. Leiton, our hyper and sweet 9 year old, took advantange of birthday confusion and made everyone believe that his birthday was in March when it really was in April so he had two birthday celebrations this year. He was making up for lost time.

It was really fun to see Alex smile as much as he did and being so happy to have all the attention that day. I have celebrated most of my birthdays in my life. Birthdays are special for me. It made me happy to be able to be part of Alex first birhtday celebration. He's is 7 now.

Choices, choices

This is how we get places around here...
There's nothing better than a watermelon break on a sunny day
Celebrating el dia del nino (kids day) in la Solita
Singing and bible story time!
Time to learn some English














Justin, Alex, and Genesis On our way to church

So, I thought that coming to Ecuador, I was going to be a witness of God moving and mobilizing in great ways in other people, and yes, He has and is, but He has taken a good bit of time to work on me as well. Little did I know that I was in serious need of a transformation.

I arrived to Ecuador 41 days ago, very excited to come and serve in whatever was needed. So, I work at a children's home. Part of my job description include helping to care for the children at the orphanage, leading a weekly bible club for children at a local church, teaching seven English classes, etc, yet the most important part of my job is to love these children. The children at the home come from many different extreme backgrounds, but the one thing they have in common is the fact that they have been rejected from family and society. They are blessed to be in a institution like Por Amor Foundation. These children are thirsty for love and affection. That is my job: to share the LOVE that God has blessed me with to these children.

During this first month, God has been moving in many ways. I think I can call this first month my preparation month. It was very hard to me to adapt to everything. I was sick for a while, and I felt very lonely. I missed my family and friends so much and I felt very discouraged. I prayed to God for strength, yet felt weaker and weaker everyday. The more time I spent with the children, the more I grew to love them, but at the same time I felt that taking care of some many children was just not for me and that I wouldn't make it.

One day, after reflecting and praying, God reminded me of all the blessings He has given me. I have great parents who love me and care for me. I have great siblings and friends, and I have the great blessing of knowing Him. These children didn't grow up with the priviledge of having parents or people who cared for them like I did, but now they do. They have a set of parents at the foundation and they have me as an "aunt" to care for them and to show them love. At that point, I realized how selfish I had been; how selfish I still am. Praise be to God for His unlimited grace. I praise Him for choosing me to serve Him. For me, it has taken an everyday choice. I have had to wake up many days and ask myself "Today, will I focus on the Lord and serve Him with all my heart by loving these children, or do I focus on myself and get homesick?" By God's grace, I have recieved the strength to keep going and to choose to serve him. And it seems like every time I choose to relent control and surrender to God, everything gets so much better.

Now, He has opened my eyes to opportunities to share about Him to those who don't know Him. There has been people in the community who have asked me why I am here from so far away to help the foundation. I tell them the answer is simple: Jesus is the reason I am here, and I have been able to share the Gospel with people that way. God is good! All praise and glory goes to Him alone. I can only be greatful and happy that by His grace, I have been chosen to serve Him. And yes, I am so excited to serve Him here. This is something I had been waiting to do for a long time. It is just the beginning. I am looking forward to continue to witness what He will continue to do.

Please continue to pray for:

-Every child at the foundation, and for all the caregivers.
-Pray for Carolina. She owns a restaurant next door to the foundation. She is 25 years old and has a 2 year old boy. Her husband left her a couple of months ago, and she is struggling alot. She is not a believer. We have been able to spend some time and a friendship is starting. Pray that God will use me to be light in her life.
-Pray for Karina. She works at the house I live in. She comes and helps the house mom with housekeeping, etc. She is 16 years old and had to quit going to school because of financial situation at home. She works to help support her home. She is not a believer either. We have become good friends, too. We spend alot of time together and she has asked me questions about God, etc. Pray that the Lord will continue to give me opportunities to share about Him to her.
-Pray that God will continue to give me strength to serve Him. I feel that the adjustment process is over. I really like it here, and I am really happy that the Lord brought me here. It's time to go strong and serve Him wholeheartedly

Grace and peace,
Raquel

I'm an Aunty

Well, it's been a week and two days since we've been in Manta at the orphanage. We actually live outside of the city where internet access is slow. I won't have internet access as often as I thought, but I will still post as often as I can.

A little bit about the orphanage. It is located about 25 minutes away from Manta (the nearest city) in an area called Pacoche. The name of the orphanage is Montanita Verde. There are three buildings in the property. Two houses which house the children and the volunteer housing. There is an American couple who live there. Paul and Susan. Their job is to make sure things are running at the orphanage.

Our 8 children:

Maria: she is almost 18 years old. She is mentally handicapped. She acts more like a 12 year old. She doesn't look 18 either which helps, I guess. She is a special case in more than one ways. She demands alot of attention, but she responds well if you talk to her and explain things. I really think she likes to be treated as an older girl, but that can be hard sometimes, especially when she gets into silly arguments with the 8 year olds. She's struggles in school; she is only in 6th grade. A huge prayer request for her is that she will turn 18 in August, I think. The law requires children to be out of the orphanage at that age, but she is not ready to be on her own. It would be like throwing an 12 year old to make a living. The system can be quite cruel. We are all praying that the foundation can find somewhere for her to be or a family that will take her in. She has had a rough life, and needs lots of love. Please, pray for that situation and for us to be able to show her all the love that has been kept from her.

Yamileth: I know you're not supposed to have favorites, but this girl has stolen my heart. She is 11 years old. Her 3 siblings are with her at the orphanage. Their mom died after giving birth to their younger sister, Genesis. Their dad is still alive, but is a recovering alcoholic. He is at a rehab clinic right now. These four children would walk around the streets of Manta while their dad worked polishing shoes before they came to the orphanage. They spent the night in different houses every night. Finally, someone turned them into the authorities and they were turned over to the Por Amor Foundation (our orphanage). They can actually return to live with their father if he recovers and is able to find a good job to sustain them and keep them off their streets. It's a rough situation. They like it at the orphanage, but they miss their dad. I love Yamileth because she takes such good care of her siblings. She loves them and has taken the role of a mother. She is very patient and understanding and self-sacrificial. It's beautiful. I believe being here has helped her feel less responsible for her sublings, but she still feels responsable for them. She is 11 and this is pretty much her first time going to school. She was at a school for only a month before coming. She is very smart and is learning quickly. Pray for her and her family situation.

Brenda: She is one of the four. She is 8 years old and is in 2nd grade. She is sweet and sour. She can be sweet most times, but at times she gets stuck on something and it's hard to get her out of that. She is precious, though.

Alex: Also one of the four. I love this little one. He is 6 years old, and he's got a temper. Oh boy! He is still learning discipline so sometimes it is hard to tell him things he is doing wrong; he will get mad at you for it. I managed to get him mad at me one the first night. At the same time, he can be the sweetest guy alive. He will run to me in the morning or when he gets back from school and give me a HUGE kiss and a hug. He can be very caring as well. It is precious, but when you least expect it, there comes that attitude. Last week, Maria was having a bad day, and he stayed with her conforting her. It was sweet!

Genesis: Oh my goodness! Let's talk about the whinny queen! Cute as a botton, but I have never heard so many whines come out of the same human being at the same time. She can get her way; she has a way of wrapping anyone around her little finger. She is 4. She is going to kindergarden along with Alex. She is lazy to do homework and chores (or fake chores). She wants Ashley or I to hold her all the time or sit on our lap. Her smile will dominate you; I have to be careful and set my foot down.

Leiton: He is 8 years old. He is the trickster. We have played cards with him, and he will cheat like crazy. He hates losing, but we have fun playing. He has a huge smile and is very understanding of people who can't speak Spanish. Ashley and he have gotten along very well.

Justin: He is 18 months old. He has a beautiful/mischievious smile. Everytime we get to the table, he will strech out his hands to people on his sides to hold them to pray. The first week he called Ashley and I mama. I think he thinks that anyone who takes care of him is his mommy. We got really excited the other day because he called Ashely "tia" instead of mami. He got it, we thought, but then today he called us niania (I don't have the spanish n~ in my keyboard). He is so cute. He is Leiton's younger brother.

Nehemias: He is the son of the house parents Pepe and Karen. He is only 9 months old. He is a pretty hyper baby, but stays pretty close to mommy all the time. We help take care of him some, but mainly to help mama Karen out.

Well, this post is turning a little long so I will stop for now, but now you know our kids. Get familiar with them! More stories are coming.

I have prayed for a selfless spirit. What a better place to have one but at an orphanage. We are loving the unlovable, the rejected children of this area of Ecuador. Hearing their story breaks my heart. I am here to love them. Pray that in my weakness, God is strong through me!

Continue to pray for my journey. It is not always easy, but God is leading and working

Grace and peace,
Raquel

It's the end of the rainy season in Quito

I am sitting in the living room of the apartment we are staying during our orientation in Quito. There is a huge window with a great view of the city. This city is awesome! Our day has consisted of a few meetings and a visit to the Dumps Ministry here in Quito. Okay, enough background:

As I am sitting looking at the rain fall on the city, I can't help but wonder why do I, so many time, think I know better than God. I have spent (or should I say wasted) time planning my life, or at least portions of it. In my mind, I have been following what I think God is telling me when in reality I have only been following my selfish desires. I mean, these things weren't half bad. I wanted to go to Africa, and then I wanted to go to China to serve God there. Doesn't sound bad, does it? Well, when does "God-pleasing" desires become idols then they are not God-pleasing anymore. I came to Ecuador for a month last fall, and I loved it. But I would have never wanted to come live here. I wanted to explore the unknown. I wanted to learn another language, etc. I have now realized that my mind and heart weren't where they needed to be. God said no to those places, but he said yes to Ecuador.

I have only been in Ecuador for half a day, and I am already beginning to understand why he has me here. I am thankful. HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING! How dare this finite mind ever think that I know or can even partially understand God's ways. Honestly, I didn't have that much information about this trip. I didn't even have that much information about this organization. I just had peace so I came. And today, at one of our orientation meetings, I realized that this is the type of organization I always dreamed of working for. I like their platform/philosophy or whatever you want to call it. Of course, they are not perfect, but I know this is what God has for me now. I am excited and expecting to see God's grace and mercy and his glory here. Wait, I already am seeing it.

This afternoon at 6pm (central time) we fly over to Manta. I am ready to meet the children we will be with for the rest of our time here. Pray for us and for them. Pray for us to connect with them. Pray that we may LOVE them like Jesus LOVES us!

Again, pray for selflessness. I guess I have been convicted lately of how selfish I am, and I don't what that. Pray for the children at the orphanage. Pray that Ashley and I make good orphanage mommys.

This soft rain just turned into a thunderstorm...It looks beautiful from here!

After a little over a year

Today is May 11th, 2009. I graduated North Greenville University a year and ten days ago. Most of my friends have heard me talk about leaving the country and serving in missions outside of the United States. I have had this talk since before my graduation. Never did I know that it would take me a year to actually leave, yet I am so glad it did.

This past year, my first post-graduation year, has been one of the best in my life. During that year I found a community that I love and will miss. I have grown spiritually; I have matured in more ways than one. I have struggled greatly. I have gone through three different tentative destinations until finally God said Ecuador.

Today, the journey begins. The journey I have been waiting to take. I do not just mean the Ecuador trip for this is just the beginning of a journey that will end in heaven for me. I pray that God leads me wherever He wants me to go. I want to travel the world and serve Him all over the globe. Ecuador is the first stop with a five month layover. This will be my first long-term-ish trip away from my family ever. I am looking forward who I will become during the five months I will be away. Most of all, I am looking forward to witnessing what my AMAZING God will be doing. It is such a priviledge to be His servant.

Pray for safely and for a selfless spirit.

Next time I write, I will be in Ecuador. Until then.