This was written on September 27th, 2008
It’s a biblical statement that the tongue is a small organ that can do great evil. It is understood that the passage refers to doing evil to others, yet reality has proven that it can hurt one’s self. That is what I’m experiencing right now, or so it seems. Although, I don’t have a complete grasp of the situation yet, the pain is present and that’s the one true and clear reality.
Sky scraper standards I have set to cover an insecure heart. A wall higher and wider than Jericho’s yet before you this wall has the same end. Rubble after Rubble with only a single building left standing. The part of me that holds on to faith, that holds on to hope, that holds on to you.
Redefining suffering while lowering those standards, and allowing myself to express some emotion. Why is this so important? Why do I not want to be a normal human being? Why do I not want to be a normal girl? What do I want the world to see? A girl dependent on you…yes, a girl willing to take on the pain, the suffering, a girl willing to risk it all for your sake, yet is that the true desire or do I want that to be what makes me attractive?
That’s where my GREATEST struggle yet appears…I want you. I don’t want to desire anything, anyone else. I want the surpassing joy of knowing you, my savior, my all, my creature, my true love. I want that to be my life. I want to be completely focused on heavenly things and not on things of this world. How to get there? Perhaps I want to be super human to be more like you, but how?
I have a attempted to accomplish this with my own strength for so long, and even though my mind knows that it’s not possible, I continue to try to please you. Can you please come and rescue me from myself. I feel like I am my greatest enemy right now. I want to die to myself. I want to say and truly mean what Paul said “It is not I who lives, but Christ who lives in me”
Can you make that happen?
Almost a year later on Sept 13 of 2009:
On the other hand, today I’m in deep admiration…
Every time I feel so down that all I do and want to do is complain, You lift me up by showing me how much you love me! Right now, You’re truly wrapping your arms around me and showing me that You’re with me. You’re listening to my deep frustration about myself and telling me that it’s okay. You’re listening to my anxiety about the future and tell me just to live today. You’re paying attention to everything going on with me because YOU CARE! Because it is of your concern because YOU ARE LOVE!
Today, I feel a strange and overwhelming sense of peace and safety! I really do feel you so near. My heart is so joyful, so excited, so IN LOVE.
If this is the only reason I’m supposed to be here in Ecuador than it is beyond enough. I think You took me far away from “home” to rake me HOME with you!
I have found peace. God’s gift of a quiet heart. I’ve found it!
God, today my hears is filled with a love for You that wasn’t there before. Slowly You’ve become my love, my reality. You are no longer my theory or rational belief. You’ve allured me with Your beauty and Your passionate love. Everything around me screams that You love me. How can I resist?
Lord, I am all your. . .body, mind, soul, spirit. . .with my many flaws and weaknesses.
I have truly found that You are all I need! My heart is at the verge of exploding with contentment and happiness because You love me and You are by my side.
Thank you! I don’t understand why you love me the way you do but I can’t escape Your love. So, I embrace it and will forever remain in deep admiration.
Sept 19th, 2009
Today, I can confess that my heart is still filled with much insecurity, but with time comes maturity. Throughout this year, I have learned to allow God to love me! That has made a huge difference. For a long time, I questioned how it would be possible to change my way of thinking. I always wanted to please God. I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be self-sufficient and please God with my actions, with my strength. I was so mistaken. Pride filled my heart and mind which was obvious in my actions. My true and only desire was to look good before everyone. There was no room for weakness, for emotions, for acceptance of my true self. I lied to everyone and to myself about my spiritual condition so often that I began to believe my own lies. I was in desperate need of destruction. I asked for it, and God answered my prayer.
Slowly, my pride has been crumbling down. God tore me in such a way that I lost all sense of self. That was exactly what I needed. God didn’t just tear me down and leave me there. He began to restore me little by little. His work is not finished yet. He is still working! He will continue to work until the day I am with Him, but I have peace. This peace calms my insecurities; I am His and He will take care of everything, and that’s all I need to live. There’s still so much to learn, and so much to keep in mind. As a human, I am very forgetful, but thank be to God that He is there to remind me. I’m continuing to learn to love him, and that’s a beautiful journey.
